Words can not express how awesome Machete really is. I have decided that because it is so epic I will give yet another fever dream style review of the movie. Bring your friends, bring your family, leave the kids at home and go see this movie.

Okay, deep breath…here we go:

Car through a house

Did he just cut off 6 heads in one swing?!?!

Boobies Boobies Boobies!

I really love this soundtrack

Mmmmm tacos…

Love it when Trejo speaks in the third person

Eggs cure bullet wounds?

Porno music

I swear 30 people are dead already

LUCHADORE!

Does that weed whacker have knives on it?!?

That is a BIG gun

I think less people dies in Braveheart…

Credits

Complete with a TON of great one liners and site gags if you don’t love this movie either your dead or are watching “Vampires Suck”, either way the world is better off without you around.

I am super tired and running on sugar and caffeine so if this sounds like a fever dream just stay with me.

The Expendables might be the greatest action movie I have ever seen. I consider myself a connoisseur of action movies and I watch A LOT of terrible ones so I can spot a winner. Now don’t go to the movies and expect a movie that will change your life with an amazing plot. But if you go into the theater with an expectation of explosions, broken bones, and one liners you will not be disappointed. The cast is fantastic and the explosions, oh sweet mother of God the explosions. I have decided to give you the movie the way I remember it, here we go

HOLY SHIT HE JUST BLEW THE TOP HALF OF THAT GUY OFF!

IS THAT THE TRUCK FROM THE MOVIE COBRA?!?!

IS ARNOLD IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT?!?!

THE SOUNDTRACK WAS CHOSEN BY  A 40 YEAR OLD FROM ALABAMA

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PLOT?

I THINK THAT DOCK EXPLODED FOR NO REASON

AUTO SHOTGUN!!! AUTO SHOTGUN!!! AUTO SHOTGUN!!! AUTO SHOTGUN!!! AUTO SHOTGUN!!!

AXE KICK = BROKEN NECK

NOW HE’S ON FIRE

MIGHT BE THE BIGGEST FIRE BALL I HAVE EVER SEEN

CREDITS

Go and see the movie, get some popcorn, a soda big enough to take a bath in and watch an action movie be what it is supposed to be.

I love it when two mad scientists get together! This EPIC image (also my new wallpaper) was drawn by Bryan “Silent But Violent” Prindiville and imagined by Nick “Ghostfreehood” Borkowicz. During a recent spur of genius Bryan has asked for some Wheel of Death suggestions for drawing inspiration. Have no idea what I am talking about? INFORM YOURSELF!

The WHEEL OF DEATH is the fuel behind the greatest battle between man and imagination SUPER ART FIGHT

The pen that may as well be a sword Bryan “Silent But Violent” Prindiville

The mind behind the mayhem Nick “Ghostfreehood” Borkowicz be sure to check out his comic Oh Perilous World

On a side note do yourself a favor and start taking in everything the Super Art Fight Crew throws out, you will thank me later.

I think I just figured out what I am doing during my vacation

Nothing really to elaborate on about this. but when it happens you will thank me

I wont pretend to know anything about touring car racing. The only thing I am certain of is it looks incredibly hard to compete in. This past weekend Portugese driver Francisco Carvalho was tapped coming into a corner and the result is one of greatest “oh shit” moments of the year. Check out the video:

Words can not stress how sad this picture makes me.

Okay here we go:

Why do all three of them look confused?

Why do the costumes look like rejected Iron Man villains?

Where are Loki’s horns?

What happened to Thor’s new bad ass hammer?

Y’know this one

Look, I think at this point the studio should spend less time showing the costumes and more time just showing the hammer. The more I see of this movie the less I think I am going to enjoy it. Now don’t get me wrong I will see it. I will probably go to the midnight showing. I am a super hero movie whore. But it would be nice if they actually made a movie about the GOD OF THUNDER look like it should, instead of a bunch of jackasses fighting in ugly costumes. I watched the new Clash Of The Titans, I don’t want to see it again.

Better late then never as far as I’m concerned. On Thursday I had the pleasure of catching the midnight showing of Inception. Without giving away anything, this might be not only the most beautiful movie this year but also the most well thought out story I have seen in years. The entire film leaves you on the edge of your seat right from the beginning. Do yourself  a favor and find the time to head out and see this movie. I can promise it is money well spent.

I just got mind f’d by an Asian beatle. For the record, the girl he was competing against quit after hearing him sing. I think this might be a trend. First Steve Perry gets replaced by an Asian guy, now Whitney. And I have to be honest, I love it more then Dolph Lundgren singing Elvis…

WAIT WTF?!?!